IRREFUTABLE RANT: Why car-driving America is cyborg-fascism realized

Twice I was almost fucking hit today on my bicycle. TWICE. I have a 10-minute, 2.5 mile commute, and in those 600 seconds and 13,000 feet traversed, two FUCKING pricks almost ended my life. The first fucko ran a red light while accelerating, thereby forgoing his opportunity to pass "GO" and pick up $200, of course, and the second shitrag thought that yielding could take a backseat to the text message he was sending to a woman who was almost definitely his whorish mistress. The guy did manage to see me for a split second, but slowing down was too complicated of a process for him to understand, whereas "blowjob at the local Best Western from a transvestite named Tammi" was like adding and subtracting. To shitrag's credit, it is a terrible intersection replete with a three-way entrance, two of which are fairly blind. But that's generally why people SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.

So, it inspired me to lay down a theory of why these cyborg dickbots are going to kill us all. In no particular order of dystopian anger, here are my central tenets:

1| You're killing us all in this gas chamber of a crisis called "The Greenhouse Effect."

You know what? I'm not a rampant environmentalist. Sometimes I forgo bringing my ceramic plate down to the cafeteria and end up eating off of styrofoam. I question the value of recycling because I have read more than enough studies about the fact that it may do more harm than good. I eat meat, dairy, pork, and other planet-hating items as well, and I cannot afford to buy grass-fed items across the board. I think carbon neutrality is the only marketing gimmick solely created by the left, and that real climate change won't be prevented by buying offsets for my new H2.

But you know what? Fuck it. I bike to work EVERY DAY. In Boston?! Really?! Yup. And you know what? It's cold as balls in the winter, hot as fuck in the summer and somewhat rainy in between. I've earned my fair share of hamburgers and carbon off-sets by acknowledging that bicycles are a beautiful thing.

Of course, the benefits of biking are pretty well-publicized by now, but ultimately I didn't even start doing it for environmental benefit. I started because every single minute that I stood on the T platform, waiting for the next red line to appear was 10 minutes I would never get back. The greatest irony is that the T sucks for the same reason that biking is dangerous: too many people drive and thus no one wants to spend money on improving the infrastructure.

To veer back on track for a moment, this point was supposed to be about the exhaust pumping out of the noxious-fume outtake on your four-wheeled friend. So, uh, you know, stop killing me and you by putting all of this shit in the air. Thanks.

2| Cyborgs are here, and have been here since the Ford Model T

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Philip K. Dick made it seem like cyborgs were some far-off, distant, inherently-destructive pseudo-humanoids that lacked morality while maintaining a perfect figure. But having been a driver, and having been biking around drivers all the time, I would argue that the cyborg age is already here.

Many people already see their cars as an extension of their anima. They can accelerate themselves at incredible speeds over vast distances by doing little more than depressing their right foot (yet somehow parallel parking is cumbersome). They can listen to the music of their lives, catch up with old friends and transport the kids to and from soccer practice all at the same time, often exercising all options at the same time.

But when you witness the glazed look of a human being who has succumbed to a cell phone conversation and lazy afternoon drive, you catch a small glimmer of a future where everyones' eyes are a beady red and powered by a battery pack in your left ass pocket.

I'd be getting extreme if I started discussing how enslaved people who rely on their cars are, but fuck it, I was almost hit twice today and you only live once. What are you going to do when gas hits $10 a gallon and you have to choose between your last car and your first-born? Uh, don't answer that.

3| I don't have a #3, but things look better in threes. So, er, don't be a dick

That's all I've got. You know, I usually hate being angry and bitter because I think it is usually counter-productive, but those assholes had it coming. I just want to be able to ride my bike in peace. I just want to relegate my hostile experiences on a bicycle to the snarky looks I get from fixies and bike mechanics. Driving isn't wholly unreasonable. But you'd be surprised what the human body can withstand. Biking in the cold? Not that bad! Biking in the rain? Surprisingly refreshing. Biking long distances? Piece of cake! This isn't Colorado! The only hills are in Beacon Hill and JP, and JP has their fair share of bikers.

All of this being said, if anyone wants to drive up to Vermont anytime soon, let me know. I'm free, and I've got a bike ;)